Kissing You Goodbye (Jean x Reader) Chapter 5

Forewarning, this fic may be a bit violent and occasionally has harsh language.

Why am I even bothering with this right now, anyway? Jean thought to himself with a long, drawn-out sigh.

He trudged along at a leisurely pace through the training grounds, kicking absently at pebbles and scuffing his boots against the dusty ground beneath him. A mild, gentle breeze ruffled his copper-blonde hair, heralding a fairly warm day. The sun was now fully above the horizon, bathing the military compound in a welcoming glow.

But there wouldn't be much of a welcome where Jean was headed, surely.

"After that performance with Reiner, she'll probably tear my head off for bugging her at a time like this..." Jean muttered under his breath, his mood darkening further. "Waiting a few hours would be the smart thing to do..." Comforting and consoling people wasn't quite something he could do with care and precision, as his brash attitude and brutal honesty usually caused tension in situations like this.

But yet he continued to meander after that girl, thoughts mulling over what to say to her. After all, in the 3 years that Jean had known her, she never once appeared truly offended by anything his loud mouth had said. All of the arguments, furious outbursts, cursing, fighting with Eren or teasing _____ and Marco over petty little things... All of it, she had taken in her stride with grace, never complaining. Every time, she was as impassive and stoic as a mountain, nothing ever truly rattling her or causing her to break composure. And besides, who else did she have now to talk to?

Jean halted in his tracks, realising with a jolt that he had never once seen her panic or distraught until yesterday.
Throughout all of the brutal training, the blood sweat and tears, seeing other trainees die or drop out, she stayed strong and composed throughout it all. Not in a remorseless or cold way, for Jean knew she had paid respects and mourned those who passed and had expressed sorrow for others leaving. But no matter how many times she got beaten in hand to hand training, or how many cuts and bruises she sustained from maneuver gear exercises, she would get back up. Every time she would dust herself off, collect her composure and break out grinning.

Grinning at Marco, and even occasionally at himself.

 Simply, _____ never broke down. She had always been unshakable.
Jean continued walking, shaking his head in mild disbelief and quiet respect.

Musing to himself, Jean wondered when it was he had started seeing her in a different light. As more than a friend, more than a comrade. When thoughts of her had overtaken any he had harbored for the other female trainees, even overtaking those he had of Mikasa.

As he walked slowly, he thought back to the early days of trainee life.


On the day of initiation, the sun had been sharp and unyielding. Much harsher than it was on this balmy day, definitely. Gusts of wind had barreled through the columns of nervous trainees, driving itching dust at noses and stinging their eyes. Jean recalled some fragments getting in his eye, and how he had desperately tried to blink it away without breaking ranks.

To break rank would be to subject oneself to the wrath of Keith Shadis, the ferocious thundering commander and trainer of the new recruits in the military. He had stalked between the rows of trembling teenagers and fresh faces, picking out those who showed weakness. He would call them out, break them down, rebuild them from raw clay as soldiers. Jean had been unfortunate enough to be singled out by Shadis, and had earned himself a cranium-splitting headbutt.
Collapsing to the ground in agony, Jean had clutched at his forehead in pain and anger. Shadis stalked away from his prone form, leaving him to pick himself up and dust off. As he did so, he beadily observed Shadis isolating his next victim.

A freckle faced boy with raven black hair and a bright boisterous smile, who introduced himself as Marco Bott from Jinae city. He was visibly sweating beneath the deathly glare of Shadis, but still managed to enthusiastically claim his desire to join the Military Police. Jean grinned, as it seemed he would have someone to compete with.
Then his eyes trailed to the girl standing next to Marco Bott.

Her gossamer hair drifted lazily in the breeze, framing her delicate features and touching upon her soft lips like floating spider webs. But there wasn't much delicate about her eyes. So vibrant in their colour, yet holding a sharp determined edge that Jean found himself curious about. She was fairly tall, as the top of her head measured against Marco's shoulders, and she was willowy with a taut strength to her build.
Jean watched Shadis turn towards her, and listened carefully to catch her name.

But it never came.
The girl stood unflinching as Shadis peered at her, his face inches from her own. She gazed back at him, unwavering and stoic. With a satisfied look in his eye, the instructor straightened up and continued his unrelenting barrage against the other trainees.

Jean watched her turn to Marco, and they both smirked at each other playfully.
Ah, so they must be an item. He thought to himself absently, and resumed carefully observing the other members of the 104th Trainee Squad.

From the first day, for a long time Jean had been infatuated with the enigmatic beauty Mikasa. He was captivated by her beauty and her finesse in training, and he admired her endlessly. But it seemed that Eren Jaeger, his rival from the first night onwards, was always in his way. Mikasa was utterly devoted to Eren, and it delivered a low kicking blow to Jean's ego to feel jealousy towards Jaeger. As time passed, the initial lust for Mikasa faded away without Jean minding so much, and he found himself continuously intrigued by the calm girl who stuck by Marco. So he invested his time and energy into the immediate friendship that bloomed between himself and Marco, the boy who occupied the bunk next to Jean in the dorms.

It was as if Marco and _____ were a package deal. On the first night in the encampment, Marco had sat next to Jean with a beaming smile at dinner time. The boys introduced themselves, laughing nervously, and then Marco had introduced her. The stoic girl from the initiation who had stood impassively beside him throughout the nerve-wracking induction.

She seemed so much more lighthearted away from the training grounds, smiling through the introduction and shaking Jean's hand gently. Funny. She was so much prettier and welcoming when she smiled, not so resemblant of the ice-cold soldier he had seen earlier.
Jean had felt a small skip in his heartrate, but chose to ignore it.

The trio had then dug into their respective dinners with gusto, and had done so every meal time since for three years. They were nearly inseperable, Jean seeking Marco out at every break and meal time. Every time, she would doubtlessly be there, standing loyally with Marco. A smirk would dance across her features, with the occasional cheeky comment flung in Jean's direction. The three of them would laugh heartily, and share their hopes, dreams and plans for the future over mealtimes.

Well, except for her. She never revealed much about anything really. Any time Jean asked _____ about her past, childhood or her aspirations for graduation, both her and Marco would avoid answering. Instead, they would both deflect the questions with different conversations or roundabout responses. It was frustrating, but Jean learned to let it drop. She was as stubborn as Hell, so Jean had figured he would just wait until she changed her mind eventually.

Jean had even tried asking Marco alone, in the dead of night in the boy's dorms. Marco had sleepily rolled over to face Jean, his face dusted with a faint blush.

"Thats not really something for me to tell you Jean, it IS _____'s life after all. I'm sure she'll tell you eventually. She's just..." He paused, chewing on his lip thoughtfully. "She's just been through Hell, you know. Its hard for her to talk about, so I think she chooses to push her past to the back of her mind and focus solely on the present and future."



And that had been it. Jean had known better than to press Marco further, as the taller freckled boy held an unshakable loyalty and would never betray the confidence of any friend. Especially not _____.

Rubbing the back of his head, Jean paused at the top of a small rising hill at the boundary of the training field. Down the slope was a shallow ravine, across which the small local forest began. Peering through the canopy from his elevated vantage point, Jean's eyes raked the small clearings for a certain place.

Marco had told him all about it one night, when he and Jean had been wandering around the grounds. Jean had asked Marco where _____ and he often went in the evenings or when they finished their chores early. The freckled boy had chuckled cheerfully, blushing ever so slightly. He had told Jean of a special little area in the forest. In a small meadow surrounded by the trees was a crystal clear lake. _____ was infatuated with it, as it reminded her of somewhere endearing in her childhood. So she and Marco went there often to relax and reminisce.

Jean breathed a sigh of relief, spotting a flash of sunlight reflected on water between the trees. Silently thanking Marco for informing him of _____'s little hideaway, Jean collected his thoughts.

"Well, better get this shit over with. Now or never." Jean muttered gruffly to himself.

Adjusting his jacket and steeling his resolve in case of conflict, he began his trek down the hill and into the shady embrace of the forest.